i’m sorry + a cup of coffee on Sweet G for lovely Staples lady.

STORY TIME.

Last weekend I had a total hissy fit in Staples. I didn’t scream or yell at anyone, but I did act like a snarky, sarcastic brat to a woman who had absolutely nothing to do with anything that was bothering me at the time.

I left the store fuming, venting to LovelyHealthyBoyfriend (who is more patient and kind than anyone I know….even when he has the misfortune of witnessing his girlfriend act like a crazy person in the middle of Staples):

“I’M SO STRESSED and I never get stressed so now I’m mad that I’m stressed and I don’t even know why.”

Right. Because those are the words of a rational woman.

So we walked and talked it out and he helped me get to the bottom of what was actually contributing to my crazy:

• Too many projects going on in one day.
• I didn’t have time to practice that day because of the urgency of what needed to be done.
• I didn’t stop to eat lunch or meditate.
• Zero social interaction that day.

Jeez. No wonder the second I go out into civilization after a day cooped up working inside all day did I become Little Miss Cranky Pants when something doesn’t go entirely according to plan.

The problem is, it’s really easy to let our minds hold the reins, especially when there’s a lot of external stimulation going on tempting us to be reactive.

Since reading the book Mindsight by Dr. Dan Siegel, I now understand they physiological and neurological contributing factors to that feeling of “losing my mind” that make me act like a crazy person. I recognize that by the time I got to Staples last week, my body and brain had already decided to freak out….it was just a matter of how and when that was going to happen. And because I was in a low level of consciousness, I wasn’t really doing anything to stop the meltdown from happening even though I behaved in a way that I’d never be proud of.

The understanding of how our crazy brains work brings me to the topic of todays conversation: apologies.

Because after I came down from Mount Grumpy Pants, I settled back into this realization:

• I am kind, patient, and loving.
• I am capable and make it a point to treat others with respect and gratitude.
• I am calm and not easily frazzled or stressed.

And guess what: everyone possess these qualities. We are all perfectly capable of cultivating gratitude, love, patience, respect, and kindness. But sometimes our minds play tricks on us and we get distracted by external circumstances (I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m busy, I don’t have enough time, etc.) that we start deviating from our natural state of calm.

Yet somehow, we have trained ourselves to avoid apologizing at all costs. To defend behavior. To justify behavior. Or to – and this one’s a doozy– blame others for our behavior.

Yikes.

So often we get so caught up in our egos that apologizing feels like a threat to our personal security and sense of identity. Often times we’d rather spend our whole lives feeling guilty about a situation than actually owning our behavior and solving the issue at hand. Or we’d gladly hold on to feelings of resentment toward others who have somehow become “responsible” for how we reacted.

UHHHH…WHAT?

YO, THAT SHIT IS WHACK.

And I didn’t want to continue this pattern. So to set things right, I went back with and apology note, a Starbucks gift card, and my tail between my legs for the woman at Staples. I told her:

I’m not proud of how I acted and I want you to know that I recognize how crazy I was acting. I was having a really stressful day and that is no excuse for acting like a crazy person. Thank you for being my teacher and showing me that I am kinder, more patient, and more respectful than how I acted last night.

And guess what. I survived! The world didn’t end because I admitted I was not only wrong, but a total brat for acting the way I did.

It doesn’t make us any “less spiritual” or a bad person to admit when we have done something we’re not proud of. In fact, it means you are willing to show up for the assignments placed in front of you so that you can continue to move forward in a more positive direction. The only way any of us can change and improve is if we have a willing heart, and open mind, and the ability to see ourselves clearly and own our actions, behaviors, and even the thoughts that we think.

Because external circumstances will never really be under our control. And Staples mishaps happen. And cab drivers who don’t know where Brooklyn is happen, too. And I will lose my patience again. And LovelyHealthyBoyfriend will still bring me back from the ledge and love me anyway. But I am responsible for the way I carry myself, the way I treat other people, and the way I care for myself.

And I gladly accept full responsibility.

Do you?

{ sat nam + namaste }

xo

G

PS: LOVELY READERS, share your apologies and confessions of craziness down below! Let’s own our BS and BE BETTER.